You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
