I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
