I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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