i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
