I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You're like the curious george of whores
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
