thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
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If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
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When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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