booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
