Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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