Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
