found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
