I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
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Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
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When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize