Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
