just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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