whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
