I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
