the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i believe in u and ur pee
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