Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
