Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
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If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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