found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
