i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
