she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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