wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
