U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I am available for nakedness
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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