ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
