my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
