I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
