you inspire me to be a worse person
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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