for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
