I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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