im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
