I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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