did you get engaged???
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Drunk is not a location!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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