apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
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I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize