I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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