I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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