nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
