I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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