I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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