Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
