i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
