Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
