I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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