How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
