No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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