Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
