I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
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Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
you inspire me to be a worse person
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
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She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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