I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
