no, he came in my armpit
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
