10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
