Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
