Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
