I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
We got so high we made milksteak
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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