i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
