I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
